Our readers have been signing up in record numbers for the “Friends” section of the web page. We have been overwhelmed by all of the requests. So much so that James, one of our interns, cracked last night under the pressure and unfortunately leapt to his untimely demise from the very top of the copying machine. It was a little freak, and we’re not really able to talk about it because it’s still under investigation.

Don’t allow that to deter you, though, because things are great around here. In spite of recent events, morale is still high and the Life Is Cynical team is looking forward to all the applications we will receive for “Friends” in the future.

One note of importance:
We have been getting a lot of questions about the “steal your identity” line on our main page. We assure you that was simply a joke, and your credit card number is so safe with us, that it might as well be with your ex-lover: now that is safe. Furthermore, to show that we have your well being filed away in our best-intentions folder, Life Is Cynical has, in an unprecedented move, decided to offer a new Money-Back Guarantee.

This Money-Back Guarantee is like nothing you have ever experienced; especially if you have never bought anything. We are allowing, for a short time, for you to become a Friend risk free. You read that right, free of risk. What we mean by this is that if you become a Friend during this time you can be assured that we won’t use your credit card number for personal gain, or your Money Back: Guaranteed! Our minds always think best when given examples so here is an example of something that would qualify:

If we take your credit card number and use it to buy 100 chinchillas on the internet and you find out, we will automatically refund your 25 dollar annual admission fee to become a friend. Thus making your entrance into the site virtually free! How amazing is that?

We know that there are still some who are weary of giving their personal information across the Internet. It is those people that we are specifically targeting. Some will say, “But I just can’t trust someone I’ve never seen to be honest and forthright,” or, “There is so much that could go wrong with this plan,” and still some will say, “I gave money to Life Is Cynical, and they never even sent me my password for the “Friends” section by Pony Express: just like they said they would.” These are not lies, but they definitely are not truths. We have a team of psychologists on staff, that make sure that only the most honest and upstanding citizens become caretakers of your good will. Furthermore, as we have already stated, there is nothing to be afraid of because if anything goes wrong you will get a full refund of your 25 dollar entrance fee.

So please put your mind at ease and take comfort in the fact that Life Is Cynical has always and will always have your trust, better judgment, and good intentions in our hip pocket (that tiny small one in the regular pocket: the one where no body ever puts anything).

We thank you for your valued time and support,

Bill Dennis
Director of Marketing Finance
Life Is Cynical