Absolutely repulsive is how I would best sum up my feelings for Jewel. I didn’t use to hate her because I was in high school and stupid…and that was also before she went “whore.”

That’s right. Jewel went whore everybody. I know this could be a shock for some of you, and for those of you who have no idea what I am talking about…allow me to do something I like to call “spelling it out for you.”

I had the unfortunate mishap of seeing a video on this ridiculous MTV channel that I get with digital cable. The channel itself is putrid because it plays the same videos on a like a 20 minute loop. So if you do your math (assuming that the average pop-song is about 3 and a half minutes long), that is about the same 6 songs that get played all day. If it wasn’t just part of a package deal, I would never waste my hard-mooched money on this drivel. But I digress.

Anyway, there was this ridiculous video with Jewel in it. I knew I had to be dreaming because anything this horrible usually is confined to my dreams…which I promise you are a pretty terrifying thing. But no, someone had actually taken a dump on the screen of my TV. Turns out Jewel has been quoted as saying something along the lines of, I want to be a sex symbol. So in order to torture the world more effectively, she put on some extremely gross pleather pants, stopped making “edgy” woman music, and started pumping out re-hashed “pop-princess” hip-hop.

I puked all over the couch…because naturally that is what I do when I am faced with that much worthlessness.

No, but seriously? That was terrible. Why in the world does everybody feel the need to go slut these days? What happened to the nineties when women like that nasty-“where have all the cowboys gone?”-I-can’t-shave-my-pits-because-I’m-too-WOMAN lady can make it huge? Not that I have some strange affinity for women who don’t shave their pits, but I am equally sickened by the need to don next to nothing and sing the same thing that everyone else is singing just because you have no personality.

Yes, I am making a huge assumption here: Jewel has no personality. Sorry to say this, but when someone does something this ridiculously awful I can only assume that something serious is lacking…and in my line…I attack the personality first cause that is usually the root of all evil. Or should I say the lack of this vital root ends up being the mother of all worthless things like a lame video with naked chicks, and wet t-shirts.

In conclusion: grow some personality, put some clothes on, and stop pissing me off…because it’s getting old.

Thanks for stopping by...I know I sure enjoyed it.

-Luke Snyder