The most important thing to me about New Year’s Eve is that it is just another night that people will make promises that will not be kept. What do I mean? New Year’s Resolutions. Why should I get out of the house for one night of broken promises when I could break promises every day of the year…and drink every day of the year. Come to think of it, I could spend time with friends every day of the year. Why is it that New Year’s has become such a cash cow for broken promises.

I think that if people are going to build up a tradition around a semi-holiday, then it should be something that really kicks ass. For instance, what if instead of making a New Year’s Resolution, everybody clubbed a baby seal for good luck. It would do wonder’s for the seal industry. Or better yet, what if instead of clubbing a baby seal everyone clubbed a member of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals). I can’t say this with any amount of surety, but I am sure that God will honor an action like that. At the very least, I will. If someone sent me a picture of themselves beating the guts out of a card carrying member of PETA, I could only assume that they were the coolest person alive.

Back to my point: New Year’s Resolutions are worthless. That was point, by the way, just in case you couldn’t gather that from the past two paragraphs. Why are they worthless? They’re worthless because nobody keeps them. Nobody keeps them because they haven’t been able to change the other 365 days of the year either. So what do we do about this phenomenon? Here’s my idea.

You (meaning anyone who is reading this) will pay me (Luke Snyder) to come and be your personal trainer. By personal trainer I mean someone that beats your head with a hammer if you act aversely to your promise. I think everyone should have a hammer helper. A hammer helper could help you lose weight, quit smoking, or even kick that crack addiction. Granted the change would occur as a result of loss of life or sleep, but in the end real change is going to happen. That’s what’s really important.

Bottomline: I need the money and you need to lose that weight fatty.

So get your act together and keep your promise or get in touch with yourself and realize that you need a hammer helper as you look onto the horizon of the coming year. Think about it. I could make some extra cash, and you could rid yourself of that nasty habit. It is either that or you could kill a helpless animal…your choice.

Thanks for stopping by…I know I sure enjoyed it.

-Luke Snyder