You know the great thing, though, is that change can be so constant, that you don’t even feel the difference until there is one. It can be so slow that you don’t know that your life is better or worse until it is: or it can just blow you away, and make you something different in an instant.
-Kevin Kline as George Monroe in Life as a House.

August 10, 1981.

When I was 6, I wanted to be a garbage man. The truck was cool: Giant and crushing. When I was 14, I wanted to be a lawyer: My mom said I would be great because I was a good arguer. When I was 16, I wanted to be a rockstar: I had very little skills, but was hoping to learn them along the way. When I was 17, I wanted to be a preacher: It just made sense. When I was 21, I wanted to be a rockstar again: I had some minimal skills under my belt by that time.

I am in a time of transition as I am sure you all know. I have so much time lately to just sit and think. Maybe I have had less time since I started working, but when I am not working I sit around in my haunt of a head and think entirely too much. By ‘think too much’ I don’t mean contemplate the full ramifications of the war in Iraq. By ‘think too much’ I mean I contemplate my life and how it affects those around me, how it compares to before, and where in the hell it is headed. The latter of the three I can’t answer, but I can speculate as much as I possibly could try. I assure you I’ve tried.

So I am another year older, and deeper in debt. I live in the most incredible city on Earth, in a tiny one-bedroom apartment with two other people. I am a table waiter in a crappy restaurant, that just so happens to reside on one of the most famous intersections on Earth. This is not how I saw my life 10 years ago. Granted, I was 13, and much more worried about whether or not people liked me or not. I wasn’t worrying about how my life would turn out. My life thus far as an adult has been a curveball after another, and then I just sit and wonder what in God’s name just happened.

I think of the lives that I have burned off to get where I am today: The loves that I have forfeited and have forfeited me. The friends that I don’t even talk to now, that at one time were the only things that mattered to me. The billions of decisions that have placed me along the path I am on today: Some of them so huge that they immediately altered my life so drastically, and still some that changed me without even knowing it.

It’s funny because with most everything I do on a daily basis, there are patterns. Video games, books, movies, TV, etc: even though all of these are based on life, they are nothing like life in one major respect. I can generally partake in any of the aforementioned activities and choose the ending, but the blueprint for all of these events is utterly unpredictable.

August 10, 2004.

I am 23, and I have no idea what is coming tomorrow. For everything I think I know about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness, I am pretty sure that all I really know is that I know nothing. I know there are some of you who will copy and paste that last statement in italics and keep it for a rainy day to cheer yourself up. You will bookmark it as the time when ‘Luke said he didn’t know anything.’ Have your fun.

The point, though, to all of this is that I am 23, and not only do I not know what is coming tomorrow, but I am kind of depressed about what happened yesterday. I am 23 and I feel like I have accomplished so very little. I suppose that if my goal in life were a little different maybe I wouldn’t feel this way. Many people will work the rest of their lives as a construction worker, or gas station attendant, or factory worker, or teacher, or some other job that you can apply for after receiving the appropriate amount of training. My life doesn’t work that way: I want to be something that doesn’t always require training, that changes daily, and that has no easily attained application process. I want to be a musician.

If I wanted to be something tangible like a teacher (something that is easily understood, and understandably achieved), I wouldn’t feel like this. The fact that I want to be something that is not so easily obtained, makes me feel that on a daily basis I am wasting my time doing something wrong. I am 23, and I feel like my life is waiting to happen.

Two nights ago I closed an Irish Pub down the Street from where I work. Somewhere around three in the morning I was outside talking to the hostess and she told a story about a guy who had been in there earlier that day. The man was crazy, which was evident by his conversations with no one. She observed this man as he proceeded to eat at least three meals and spend a few hours in the same corner seat. Eventually he rose from his chair after squaring his bill, and on his way out stopped by the hostess’ stand and said, “If you can wake up in the morning and dress yourself, you’re doing good.”

I have no idea what tomorrow brings. I spend too much time worrying about yesterday. I wallow in my squalor of today excessively. I can, however, accomplish the one-two punch of waking in the morning and dressing myself, which happens to be more than many can say for themselves.

Thanks for stopping by...I know I sure enjoyed it.

-Luke Snyder