Why the repulsively bright, intrusive colors? Today's article is a tribute to high school...well, maybe more importantly that one guy after high school..."The Highschool Lamenter." I am so glad that you have tuned in to this special, special editorial...it is very, very dear to my heart because I want to be a highschool lamenter. Of course, by now many of you are asking, "What in the wide, wide world of sports is a Highschool Lamenter?" It is your lucky day...

Alright, let's take a walk down memory lane. The bell has just rang signifying that the end of the school day has come...you eagerly scurry to your locker and grab your books just so that you can make it out of the school doors 30 seconds faster. Once outside you commence with the talking and things like that with your friends. Now, out of the corner of your eyes...you see him...that's right...the highschool lamenter. He has a cigarette hanging loosely out of his mouth, a five o'clock shadow, a mullet, lumberjack-style flannel shirt on, and a well-endowed girl with big hair hanging on his neck. He is, of course, leaning on a 1987 Camaro that he, himself, souped up and proceeded to add lots of "cool" things to: ground effects lighting, a car stereo that could bring a skyscraper down, and a decal of Calvin (from Calvin and Hobbes) in the rear view window peeing on a Ford symbol.

Hopefully, by now you all understand who I am talking about. The high school lamenter is that guy that is about 23-27 and hangs out with all the highschool kids because people his own age would never go out in public with him except to drink at the local bar (which is a run-down shack). He works at the gas station, and sells pot to all the high school kids that he "hangs out" with in his free time.

You may be saying, "Luke, what is so great about living your life as a total loser?" Well first...come on, total loser? I don't think so. Let's take a look at the benefits:

1. The gas station would pay about $25,000 a year plus the Mary Jane I'd be selling...I'd be making about $70,000 a year if my Marijuana business got successful.
2. My girl friend would be one of many girls that I would get to choose from. Granted, she may not be a "social desirable," but atleast I get to pick...that's more than is happening right now.
3. Have you seen these guys? They aren't attractive! that means that anybody can do it...and...anybody can succeed as one also. Those are great odds.
4. I may be hanging out with high school kids all the time...but they friggin' worship the ground I walk on...That's a lot of worship. I could deal with that.
5. You can do anything and people just right it off as, "Oh, that's just because he is a loser." That's incredible! No one has any expectations or anything like that to hold you to.

The benefits are a-plenty. Seriously, what are the alternatives?

I starve as either a pastor or a musician. Sure I may be doing God's work...and I can feel good about my self, but who really puts stock in self-worth anymore?

Bottom Line: If you set your standards low, you won't be disappointed when things don't work out. That is something I think we could all learn a lesson from. Stop trying to always be better than you are. I am from Shelby...Hick is in my blood...I know how to be a Highschool Lamenter because I have diligently studied the position: I went to high school.

Thanks for stopping buy...I know I sure enjoyed it.