I have written this editorial to address a disease that is running rampant in this nation of ours. What is this disease you may ask? Well it is something that was once confined to business places and then suddenly an epidemic broke out and it took the nation by the guts and strew them all over the rolling hills that fill our fair patriotic country. This disease is Sexual Harassment.

First I must explain something…sexual harassment is not any of this “Unwanted Demeaning Sexual Advances” crap. Because what we have is a bunch of women crying about the fact that some guy at work hit on them and they didn’t feel human, but they are totally forgetting about the night before when they themselves almost gagged all over a guy at the club because he wasn’t desirable enough. Don’t get me wrong…that stuff hurts, but if that was sexual harassment in the work place, then I should get to sue any girl that turns me down rudely in a club under the title “Unwanted Demeaning Sexual Disadvance.” Yes indeed, “disadvance” is not a word, but if you are still stuck on that then you are a moron and are totally missing the point of this editorial. Anyway, though, as members of the supposed greatest society on Earth…self-proclaimed…we shouldn’t allow something like this to take hold of our minds.

So ladies, boy do I have a cure for all of this. Well the funny thing is that a sexual harassment complaint is filed under something called a “Title IX, “ which has to do with equality in sports. Yes, you read it correctly, “equality in sports.” So basically, they are saying that someone who is treating them like meat is only treating them like meat and not everyone else. So…the best way to eliminate sexual harassment is to just “sexually harass” everyone. I use that in quotes because it would cease to be sexual harassment after the fact but for right now, that is how people understand it; if everyone treats each other like meat then everyone is getting advanced (which means action) and they get better at being honest and turning people down. That has amazing implications; people being honest when they break up instead of just stringing other people along, and hurting them more…utterly incredible.

I’m sure that right now you are saying, “Luke, this is ridiculous…no one would ever do that! And also why would you think that would make the world a better place?” That’s the beauty…I don’t think that it would make the world a better place to live, I just think that it is ludicrous that sexual harassment gets defined as an “Unwanted Demeaning Sexual Advance.” I think what we should do is this…define sexual harassment as a “Threat Used to Gain Sexual Favors.” So like if your boss says, “Hey, sleep with me or I’ll fire you.” That…is sexual harassment. I mean you can say that I am a liar, or delusional, or whatever…but the bottom line is this: See who is telling the truth when some guy sues a girl because she treated him like crap after he came onto her at a bar. Of course, she could just counter-sue for his unwanted advance…and there would be a huge law suit after which people would think twice before coming onto someone at a bar.

Wait…holy crap…that would be great…this way people wouldn’t be shacking up so much…and that would eliminate another plague affecting the country: promiscuity. The deal is this: let’s change our mindsets on this whole sexual harassment thing…because people are already attacking promiscuity.

Thanks for stopping by…I know I sure enjoyed it.

-Luke Snyder